Their list of expectations for themselves and the world is huge. But the main thing is that it is radically at odds with reality and therefore greatly prevents them from living and enjoying every day spent at work, in communication with loved ones and alone with themselves. Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko reflects on how to find a healthy balance between perfectionism and the joy of being.
Increasingly, people who are dissatisfied with themselves and the events of their lives come to see me, disappointed with those who are nearby. As if everything around is not good enough for them to be happy about it or be grateful. I see these complaints as clear symptoms of over-perfectionism. Unfortunately, this personal quality has become a sign of our time.
Healthy perfectionism is valued in society because it orients a person towards the constructive achievement of positive goals. But excessive perfectionism is very harmful to its owner. After all, such a person has strongly idealized ideas about how he himself should be, the results of his labors and the people around him. He has a long list of expectations for himself and the world, which is radically at odds with reality.
The leading Russian Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov distinguishes two main modes of life: the “mode of being” and the “mode of achievement”, or development. We both need them for a healthy balance. The avid perfectionist exists exclusively in achievement mode.
Of course, this attitude is formed by parents. How does this happen? Imagine a child who makes a sand cake and hands it to his mother: “Look what a pie I made!”
ម៉ាម៉ា in the mode of being: «Oh, what a good pie, how great that you took care of me, thank you!»
They are both happy with what they have. Maybe the cake is «imperfect», but it does not need improvement. This is the joy of what happened, from contact, from life now.
ម៉ាម៉ា in achievement/development mode: “Oh, thank you, why didn’t you decorate it with berries? And look, Masha has more pie. Yours is not bad, but it could be better.
With parents of this type, everything can always be better — and the drawing is more colorful, and the score is higher. They never have enough of what they have. They constantly suggest what else can be improved, and this spurs the child to an endless race of achievements, along the way, teaching them to be dissatisfied with what they have.
Strength is not in extremes, but in balance
The relationship of pathological perfectionism with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, high anxiety has been proven, and this is natural. Constant tension in trying to achieve perfection, refusal to recognize their own limitations and humanity inevitably leads to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Yes, on the one hand, perfectionism is associated with the idea of development, and this is good. But living in only one mode is like jumping on one leg. It is possible, but not for long. Only by alternating steps with both feet, we are able to maintain balance and move freely.
To keep the balance, it would be nice to be able to go all out at work in achievement mode, try to do everything as best as possible, and then go into being mode, say: “Wow, I did it! Great!» And give yourself a break and enjoy the fruits of your hands. And then do something again, taking into account your experience and your previous mistakes. And again find time to enjoy what you have done. The mode of being gives us a sense of freedom and contentment, the opportunity to meet ourselves and others.
The avid perfectionist has no mode of being: “How can I improve if I am indulgent with my shortcomings? This is stagnation, regression.” A person who constantly cuts himself and others for mistakes made does not understand that strength is not in extremes, but in balance.
Up to a certain point, the desire to develop and achieve results really helps us move. But if you feel exhausted, hate others and yourself, then you have long missed the right moment to switch modes.
Get out of the dead end
It can be difficult to try to overcome your perfectionism on your own, because the passion for perfection leads to a dead end here too. Perfectionists are usually so zealous in trying to implement all the proposed recommendations that they are bound to be dissatisfied with themselves and the fact that they could not fulfill them perfectly.
If you say to such a person: try to rejoice at what is, to see the good sides, then he will begin to “create an idol” out of a good mood. He will consider that he has no right to be upset or annoyed for a second. And since this is impossible, he will be even more angry with himself.
And therefore, the most effective way out for perfectionists is to work in contact with a psychotherapist who, over and over again, helps them see the process — without criticism, with understanding and sympathy. And it helps to gradually master the mode of being and find a healthy balance.
But there are, perhaps, a couple of recommendations that I can give.
Learn to say to yourself «enough», «enough». These are magic words. Try to use them in your life: «I did my best today, I tried hard enough.» The devil is hiding in the continuation of this phrase: “But you could have tried harder!” This is not always necessary and not always realistic.
Do not forget to enjoy yourself and the day that is lived. Even if now you really need to constantly improve yourself and your activities, do not forget at some point to close this topic until tomorrow, go into the mode of being and enjoy the joys that life gives you today.