Long before Vera got pregnant, I had inquired about the terms of parental leave for the dad. We had planned to organize ourselves after the birth in the following way: baby would stay with his mom for the first three months, then with his dad a whole year.
Working in a large public company, the device was already established. I could work 65%, that is, two days a week. On the other hand, the salary was proportional to my work, the unpaid parental leave and we had to find a childminder for the remaining two days. Despite this financial loss, we did not want to give up our life project.
Romane was born at the end of summer 2012, Véra was breastfeeding her, I went to work every morning, impatient to meet my little women in the evening. I found my days long and consoled myself by telling myself that soon, I too will stay with my daughter at home, not missing any stage of her development. These first three months allowed me to learn my role as a father: I changed the diapers and rocked Romane like no one else. So, when my parental leave began, it was with infinite confidence that I approached my first days. I imagined myself behind the stroller, shopping, making organic mashed potatoes for my daughter while spending my time watching her grow up. In short, I felt super cool.
When Vera left the day she returned to work, I quickly felt a mission. I wanted to do well and immersed myself in the book “The first days of life” (Claude Edelmann published by Minerva) as soon as Romane allowed me.
“I started to go around in circles”
My good humor and overconfidence started to crumble. And very quickly! I don’t think I realized what it means to stay with a baby in an apartment all day. My ideal was taking a hit. Winter was on its way, it was dark very early and cold, and above all, Romane turned out to be a baby who slept a lot. I wasn’t going to complain, I knew How long some couples suffered from their infants’ lack of sleep. For me, it was the other way around. I was having a wonderful time with my daughter. We communicated a little more every day and I realized how lucky I was. On the other hand, I realized that on an 8 hour day, these moments of happiness only lasted 3 hours. Out of housework and some DIY activities, I saw myself starting to go around in circles. From these phases of inaction during which I wondered what to do, I went into a state of latent depression. We would tend to think that a mother (because it is the mothers who mainly play this role in France) has the leisure to enjoy her baby and her maternity leave. In reality, young children demand such energy from us that free time was articulated, for me, around my sofa, in “vegetable” mode. I didn’t do anything, didn’t read much, didn’t care much. I was living in a recurring automatism in which my brain seemed to be on standby. I started to say to myself “a year… it’s going to be a long time…”. I felt I hadn’t made the right choice. I told Vera who could see that I was sinking a little more each day. She would call me from work, check on us. I remember telling myself that in the end, those phone calls and our evening reunions were my only moments of communication with another adult. And I didn’t have much to say! However, this difficult period did not give rise to arguments between us. I didn’t want to go back and change my decision. I was going to assume until the end and not make anyone responsible. It was my choice! But, as soon as Vera walked through the door, I needed a valve. I was going to run right away, to ventilate myself. I then understood that being locked up in my place of life weighed heavily on me. This apartment that we had chosen to make our nest had lost all of its charm in my eyes until I had a crush on it. It had become my golden prison.
Then spring came. Time for renewal and going out with my baby. Scared by this depression, I hoped to regain a taste for things by going to the parks, the other parents. Once again, too idealistic, I quickly saw that I finally found myself alone on my bench, surrounded by mothers or nannies who saw me as the “father who had to take his day”. Mentalities in France are not yet fully open to parental leave for dads and it is true that in one year, I have never met a man sharing the same experience as me. Because yes! I had the feeling, suddenly, to have an experience.
Soon a second child
Today, five years later, we have moved and left this place which reminded me too much of this discomfort. We chose a place closer to nature, because, that will have allowed me to understand that I was not actually made for a too urban life. I admit that I made a bad choice, sinned by overconfidence and that disengaging myself was very hard, but despite everything, it remains a beautiful memory of sharing with my daughter and I do not regret it at all. And then, I think these moments brought him a lot.
We are expecting our second child, I know that I will not repeat the experience and I live it serenely. I’m only going to take my 11 days off. This little man who arrives will have plenty of time to take advantage of his dad, but in a different way. We have found a new organization: Vera will stay at home for six months and I will start teleworking. That way, when our son is at the nursery assistant, I will have the time to pick him up early in the afternoon. It seems fairer to me and I know that I wouldn’t relive “dad baby blues”.
សម្ភាសដោយ ដូរ៉ូ ធីសាដា